My secret depression

One things people don't know about me is that i have a depression problem, honestly and it hurts for me to admit it but i do.. sometimes it don't kick in but ...out of no where im SEVERLY DEPRESSED. I would say it all started when tra started dawging me out.. doing me wrong cheating, lying, and betraying me. Can you guys believe i go back with him LOL yea i know the boy that has put me through so much emotional abuse, damage to the heart, and so and so on the list goes and flows.. This boy told me to night its none of my biss. to know who num he gets. WHY THE UFUCK ARE YOU ASKING PEOPLE OFF OF MYSPACE FOR THEIR NUMBES wtf OBVIOUSLY you show interest in these broads and you wanna get ot know them if you wanna just ask them RANDOMLY for their shit. YALL I TOOK THIS BOY BACK AFTER HES SO MUCH SHIT TO ME... AND HE STILL TREATS ME LIKE SHIT.
in what ways has he changed:
He thinks hes GHETTO FABB now yall , lol he wanna talk to me like hes a GANGSTA when hes DEFF not.
Tra wants to DRESS, GO TO CLUBS, hang up on me because hes on the phone with other people, talk to all these broads because he claims thats all he hangs with, get piercings just to have the same FAB look as someone else ALREADY HAD. He goes to church alot (WHEN HE HATES CHURCH) come to find out the broad he was going with goes to that churhc so i already knew why he was fighting with me about him going to church. He wants to text everybody, delete calls in his phone, not spend no Time with me because supsdly he has a new OBSESSION WITH CHURCH, and he wants to DRINK, he kissed the other broad WTF how you love me been with me over a year then all of a sudden he wants to go and MAKE OUT AND GO WITH SOME ONE ELSE, obviously i wasn't doing anything right if he wants to do me like that.
i have changes as well.. hm.. lets list my flaws.
well i have gained a couple of pounds, i have aten a house and shaq full of snacks, i love to work because when im at work this boy don't have to kill me with all of the rudness that he speaks, i have an obsession with money, im insecure about my self, i am a bum i haven't shaved my arm pits but one time this whole entire summer, i dont shave my legs like that, i always sleep ALL DAY LONG, ihaven't focused on school at all, i havent really paid god that much attention like he deserves, i am very insecure about this relationship with tra.. i think he wants me to be his rebound when these other broads turn him down.. =[ im seriously bored right now lmao.. i ve be came a detective i can findo ut anything i wanna find out lol im very BLUNT and STRAIGHT UP now a days if i got a issue im never ashamed to say what my problem is, i ask ppl if they got a problem, im moody, i haven't spent anytime off to just think about me and how i can work on maturing , i dont like or dilike people, i have became netural about things =[ ...
But i have one thing i want tra to know and i dont know how hes going to read this :
Dear Travius, i know we have spent a great amount of our time loving and caring but also bitching and betryaing each other but i just want you to please stop doing me wrong please! you are hurting me can't you see you you wont stop will you. please , i just wish you respected my feelings. Nobody in my family likes you, because they hear and see how you treat me.. i just want my family to love you and respect you.. none of my friends can stand that im with you and i cant either but i keep staying around because i pray change with come, i believe that you will change, i believe you wil quit doing me like this trying to control me but when i want you to give me the same respect you ask for you wanna argue .. please boy you have broken me down.. i just wish i had someone to be there to pick me up and tell me that everything will be ok. Please tra quit..if you really think these girls are that important that you need closure everytime we get into an argument you need to quit waisting my time.. an let me move on out of respect to my heart. i love you very much.. i just want you to love me , respect me, care for me, in spire and mature with me. i love you very much..

Gosh im just so sick of this, im so sick of tolerating this.
=[
i cry and i cry.. but shit dosn't change... Tra is just like Tyrence and they are just going to try win they way over by confusing and trying to control me. Im so done with having to call him when he wanna talk, do things when he wanna do. I WOULD NEVER go to the club with out tra i don't care...im only 16 but so what at that point on my birthday that was one of hte most important day of my life and i made sure that tra was there, but now that hes 18 and going to school, he dosn't call me, he don't wanna talk to much that much, he don't spend time with me, and he don't even act like i exsist any more. =[ im so sad. i can't believe how hes treating me now... i know somethings bad is going on behind my back.. but i choose to ignore it when i hear him say that he wasn't on the phone or he lost connection thats why he aint pick up the calls... Somebody out there will love me. =[ somebody. Man fuck it, i hate relationships.. and i hate love and damnit i sholl don't wanna love anybody who wanna make it seem like im crazy for loving them. Its all going wrong... bleH OFICALLY OF 1030 TODAY IM NOT TALKING TO NO ONE TILL SUMMER OVER.

Once again i get the horrible man out of the bundle of lames in this world, im heart broken sad and depressed from what just happen to me. Of course you guys might not know that me and tra broke up because i didn't put it out there but i know he probably did. I gave this boy everything, my trust, my respect, and my heart... and all he did was DEMOLISH and didn't even leave it with a single piece for it to be put back together. I wonder constantly why do you gusy promise us a life time, promise us love and peace , and a sweet future to come along with it all. Im going crazy, this boy has done me wrong, from lying me to my face, turning aroudn trying to talk to a girl right after he walked away from me, kissing another girl and even crushing on them... but i still stayed with him by his fucking side, by his motha fucking side and what do i get in return.. a control freak, a insecure and jealous control freak. I broke up with tra because i had to have some more damn respect from my self then to have any man have me crying because he wants to control my ever single move. Tra claims he was my 100% R.O.D. made all these promises that he would be there through the fucking THICK and THIN through every situation. =/ ITS ALL B.S. Don't BELIEVE A DAMN thing he says because he goes right behind your back and BACK STABBS you.. So what i have gay friends, so what i like to hang with them! MAN get the fuck away from me if your going to try and take away my friends. A girl like me loves her friends and her family and when you try and take them away its going to have to go down with a FIGHT! Im so tired and fed up with things i don't know what to do, he keeps playing these emotional games. Where everything has to be on his time or its no time. and that is exactly his attidude, don't get me wrong he is a great friend but not the one you wanna settle down with and call him your homie for life... I just can't believe how he goes and bails out on me because i wanna keep my GAY FRIENDS all because a bitch wanna accuse me of some FALSE shit .. because she gets pleasure out of trying to ruin everybodies FUCKING relationship. I stayed by this boys side THROUGH ALL THE SHIT HE PUT ME THROUGH, and he wants to just take control because of his fear of me becoming gay.. SHIT you might as well not date me at all damnit because your not going to treat me like a fucking slave. What kind of person claim they love somebody but wants to FUCKING CONTROL them. I understand i get fiesty to but i dont nagg like he do... untill he do it.. NOw that hese in college he watns to go around like hes so Explict excusite hawt and dandy liek hes the fly guy and ladies need to hop on his Dixx. Things arent hte same no more, ever since college he wanna do this and that.. and if you haven't notice by now he wants to make everything go his way. Like he don't want me partying because of the way i dance, but i have only been to 3 formal parties with family and fine dining and one lil house party but i only danced with my homeboy and it was on a fxing G rated level.
I don't know what to do with my life... because it SUCKS.
I hate when this boy tells me all these promises but wants to fall back when it comes to actually taking the responsiblity of doing those damn PROMISES always wanna make promises about his own feelings but never wants to make the ones for me... then wants to pull out the guilt shit when he notices i dont like it..
Uh im confused fustrated mad sad dissapointed angry PISSED tired lazy .
i gave it all up to this kidd and but i can say i left with some experiences that changed my life forever... Rather i turn gay or not because i dont know if i can EEEEEEEEEEEEVER trust another man with my mutha FUCKING heart if hes going to give me 99.9 percent but not the 100 percent that was promise and that .1 percent could change you for a life time you just don't know.
Shout out to all the gay people in the world, i know what you guys do is wrong but you doi t because its what makes you happy and what makes you feel loved. I thought i felt loved with a man but he made me feel like a piece of shit when i needed him the fucking most out of everything.
Good night PEOPLE.
please keep your slick comments to your self. =]
give me CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM

TJ IS COMING HOME YAY!

Yay! My brother is coming home today =]
and im happy.
Haven't seen that rival since late june and now i get to see his butter pecan head!
Oh how we always fight but i miss my annoyincg brother. I pray that he comes back like a mature adult not a lame child. He's getting that Money too hahah.
But Im glad he's doing something with his life, and going into a filed with great benfits. Now he can travel all over the world and i get to travel too <3
I just want him and tra to get along and ill be so happy, they are the only to dudes i need in my life. UGH.. he's only a year younger then TJ awh! HAHA.
OH YEA my teacher made a mistake on our whole class test and i got a "A" on my chemistry honors test yay. all smiles.

Nothing is anonymous...

Recently there was a forum going around school, And my boyfriend had made it. It was a spot where you could be anonymous, talk stuff, bring up gossip, talking about diffrent things that are going around school. People had been really cruel to others on their and not even saying who they were. So i decided to bring up a topic about me. I introduced my self, told who i was and my email for first class. Some fake axx person with the name "THISFORUMISLAME" went on there and sated their opinion on me and my dude. That person really wasn't anonymous because you could tell exactly who they were. I get so tired of females thinking that they are doing something to me, they actually think they are intimidating me. Its really funny because when being asked who they were... room became dead. I think people should be straight up, but in reality it makes it easier on who i can trust, and who i can't. =] Ugh its like the whole school is against me and you know what i think i sort of like it. I wish people could tell me straight up, ADDRESS me personally and tell me exactly what they think about me. They say i think im "BAD", well you know i guess i am because i sholl got every motherfuxxer attention. I don't try and make it seem like im a fighter because doodoo im not, im a lover. Im so tired of trying to keep the PEACE with people, i just want to speak my mind for once. Just anybody that has something to say towards me please tell me through this or in person. Just know nothing is anonymous, everything comes around, you tell one they tell all its all your choice. =] I try to avoid the drama, but when you pull me in i have no choice but to speak...

So happy its 4 months and 1 Day with tra.
I love you loser =]
Always and will stay your wifey baby.
Muahs.

my vibe.

Recently i have had a bad vibe about everything...
Im not feeling the same, its hasn't been the same.
I have offically been going with tra for one week. and its been great. Every time im with him its cool lol. We just chill... its real.
But things are missing, my friends are missing. I have a feeling that there is no such thing as friend ship. I miss mi hermana alot.. today we hugged. <3 and we talked for like 20 secs. Ugh i need a stress reliever, people don't realize what emotional stress i go threw. I may not show it but its there and its killing me. I have to learn how to deal with it, i think im sick, im sick of no good people im sick of judgmental people; every one does it but i think we all should stop. I have had a bad habit of cussing when im uder pressure..... i just can't control my self sometimes. Lord i just ask for a friend......
I have just lost everything...